For the past 15 years, but more recently over the past 4/5 years… and more recently yet, since last fall I have been dealing with emotional, mental and psychological abuse.
You may have picked up on that from previous posts, it’s all taken a lot of time to air out.
Here’s how it played out. And where I am now.
See the thing is … I had my dark night of the soul YEARS ago. I beat my inner dragons and chose ‘to live’ way back in my college days.
Was I healed? No. But I chose to live. And I chose me over anyone else’s crap ever. Always.
This helped me get to phase two. Self healing. I knew I had pain and wounding so I dealt with it, over and over again. I took the RESPONSIBILITY to look in the mirror and deal with the thoughts, experiences and emotions from within.
This led me to phase three. Learning about empathy and sensitivity. If my thoughts, feelings and behaviours affected the others around me and I took responsibility for that, forgiving and letting go of the judgements and resentments and shame and grief I felt towards others … that also meant other peoples thoughts, feelings and behaviour were in return affecting me.
Now, after learning A-LOT of spiritual teachings and all of the concepts, I thought that my boundaries were enough, that love and light was enough, that forgiveness was enough… that it was MY fault and MY responsibility that others were rude and disrespectful to me and in the end it is all true…
But there was another teaching along side of that… that EVEN if you offer love and light to others, if you forgive them over and over, it’s THEIR responsibility to deal with their crap, period.
In the normal everyday experience this was a non issue, most people are kind, and compassionate and respectful and caring and they do take personal responsibility for their lives and actions.
But there were some instances showing up in my life that instead of my kindness and forgiveness being reciprocated, the rudeness and disrespect just got worse. And when I set my boundaries around that it got MUCH worse. Very much worse.
So much so that I had to revert to standing up for myself in ways that to me were bordering on rude and inappropriate (but were probably just me learning to be assertive) but had to happen for me to be heard.
And then I removed many people from my life so that I could live a SAFE and healthy life. So I could protect my kids, my family, my home, my land, our businesses and our lives.
(It still baffles me that this even happened, like WTF… what happened to these people that they are so wounded that they would do such a thing to someone else?)
But the thing is… I do truly understand that they are just wounded individuals and even though I’m not allowing them to treat me like that anymore, the first thing I did was send them love and forgive them… because that’s who I am.
I truly left with love in my heart and peace in my soul. I will not be treated that way ever again, and boundaries are set to make sure that’s the case (so don’t cross me these days lol) because if you are not in my life to love and support me. If you are here to tear me down, I will remove you instantly until you can approach me with kindness and respect.
We are meant to love and support and respect each other. And for the most part these are the kind, loving people you’ll find out in the world. But there are people who are going to tear you down, either to your face or behind your back (cause god knows I’ve experienced both) and they don’t deserve your time or energy. They have demons inside they still have to slay… and they have nothing to do with you. I promise. You are, as I was, the damage in someone else’s story because they are unwilling to look in the mirror and take responsibility for their own thoughts, feelings and actions. That has nothing to do with you.
My lesson, was how to truly recognize that and how to STAND UP FOR MYSELF in these situations. I had to stop taking responsibility for their crap (because it was an experience I was having I was trying to take the responsibility) and stop letting them point the finger at me. Cause it had nothing to do with me, ever, it’s their stuff, and always was … I see that now.
Right now I’m at the beginning of the end… so much has happened in these last few years that I feel like it’s finally almost over. I feel like I can breathe again, like I’m not fighting for my life (literally) day in and day out. I feel like the true healing around this can finally begin and my fighting sword can be restored to my side.
The fact that I feel safe enough and comfortable enough to share this story and speak the truth about this speaks volumes to where I’ve gotten. But I know how to heal and I’ll heal quickly.
These people (because there was more than one) cannot break me, they don’t have the power to do that, they never did. I took that power away a long time ago when I chose to love me first, always.
Now I just have to master telling people off with a little more grace lol 
it’s hard when you know they will just turn it all around n just blame you for more of their crap… (these people literally don’t understand kindness or respect or responsibility 
)
But one day (and one day soon) it won’t even need words. They’ll know by my energy that their crap ain’t working here. And that’s when I know I’ll have it mastered- inside and out. Love, light, respect and kindness only, always
This post has been a long time coming … but here it is.
