Angel Storm

This sweet little bay Angel is Storm with her momma Rain in 2005 only a week or so old (maybe a bit older, I bought them when she was a week old, but I don’t remember when this photo was taken… not long after.)

Storm was one of the the first two horses I called my own after I was fresh outta college. The other of course her momma. And the very first I raised from a baby.

She was the SWEETEST baby ever. So gentle and easy to handle. I spent a lot of time with her just sitting in her company and her love was palatable.

From this home in PA, she came with me to Paynton and stayed at my parents farm until I sent her to a friends for training. From there, while she was away, we built our house, so she then of course moved here.

I say all this because after she moved here with us there was a different dynamic in the herd, more horses added and different experiences she went through, she was never quite herself.

I knew this and I tried to help. I reached out to animal communicators and healers who saw her amazingness but denied her pain. They saw this amazingly loving horse with so much spirit inside, but could never find what I knew inside was wrong.

I kept trying to pin point it myself, what was going on with her? I kept sending her healing in her times of need. Where else could I turn? Nothing ever amounted to anything, but I had to keep trying.

This journey mirrors my own.

I allude to it a bit… obviously I went through some deep pain to lead me to my own healing journey, but I’ve never told the whole story…
N I’m not sure I can tell it even now cause it’s not over.

The part I’m speaking about is … there was a turning point where I didn’t quite feel like myself anymore, maybe even a few different ones.

And I’ve gone to appointment after appointment where the healer, teacher, doctor, practitioner, could only reflect my light back to me … but could never pin point my pain to release it.

I booked and went to these appointments because I was in excruciating pain. Physically, emotionally, mentally… and I’m so very grateful they reflected my light and love back to me, but what I needed was to get to the bottom of what was causing the pain.

In the last few years I’ve come to realize… after learning about healing with horses, that horses are sensitive beings, very empathic, and they mirror back to us what we can’t see.

But the lesson for me in that was that I, too am an empath, a VERY sensitive person, that when others walk into my life with their own drama I pick it up and reflect it back to them.

That also means that when these same people shift their thinking (as in a healing session) or walk back out of our lives the dynamics change again because the energy was never mine to hold.

(Now I’m not sure what this meant for Storm in her journey) but I know for me the morning of Storms illness, I was removing some of these toxic people from my life so I didn’t have to feel their pain anymore, because I’d just been to an other appointment that did very little to rectify the situation and I knew very well what situation that was…

Their judgements, their opinions, their beliefs, their expectations have nothing to do with me.

And even if this hasn’t completely resolved the situation, I’m one step closer to feeling like myself again. (I can’t say that for Storm )

Storms physical symptoms heavily reflected mine and I cried with her every day knowing exactly what she was experiencing, but not having a clue how to fix it, because I don’t exactly know what to do to fix me either.

Everytime I feel better and I feel like I’m on the winning side of things, I feel like it’s finally over and I can breathe and be myself again, it comes right back… every. single. time.

And sometimes in that moment of pain we need to hit our knees and pray a little harder.

So I want to thank everyone for their amazing support. I know how loved I am, and I know there is help when I need it. I’ve always known that.

In this moment, I needed it, both for Storm and myself. And as I took a moment today to breathe and be still I felt the immense overwhelming response of love and support sent my way (and for Storm).

I know I am grieving – but I also fully understand life and death- I’m not so much grieving her death as I am that I couldn’t fully help her feel her best in this life because I didn’t know what was wrong and I hope and pray her suffering was not just a mirror of my own.

I’m not sure, I’m still sitting with, the meaning of this transition for her at this time.

But As a friend said to me today “let her end be your beginning” and I felt that. That the pain died with her. Let this be a catalyst for change.

I was looking for a miracle. And I really hope I found one….