Let me tell my story.
Story is very important in my life.
I’ve always been a huge story teller. I loved elaborating on my experiences and adding in all the detail of how it made me feel and if it was a life moment experience or not.
Sometimes I’m not sure words can describe the feelings inside but I’m always willing to try.
Growing up was a difficult process. By the time I got to the age of 18 I was ready to leave this world.
I did not feel seen, heard, loved, appreciated, wanted or important to anyone.
I felt pushed around and used. Tossed aside when I was no longer needed. My actions were always misunderstood and the love and care I’d given others was always taken for granted.
I was small. I was weak. I was a girl. I was no good for anything.
But I decided I’d stay. Cause I was also a fighter. I was angry at the way things were so I was going to change them.
I was so down at that time…. but it was the time between youth and young adult. I was learning to live on my own and I could finally make my own decisions about life.
I had a choice. And I chose to stay. But I chose to change.
I’ll never forget that pivotal moment in my life. Or many of the life changing moments that came after that….
That was 18 years ago.
I chose to follow my dreams. N one step at a time I have been doing just that.
I’d visualize my dream and do everything it took to make it happen.
Some of my dreams still haven’t come true but my heart is unwavering and my commitment is all that much stronger.
Since then I have unwound myself from places of depression.
I have untied myself from my places of anxiety.
I have moved through situations of PTSD.
I have talked through sexual abuse situations I’ve experienced.
I’ve moved through emotionally, mentally and physically abusive relationships.
I’ve committed to myself.
I’ve spent thousands of hours listening to audios and reading books of all kinds.
I’ve spent thousands of dollars. On healing appointments and sessions and classes BECAUSE I could not do it all by myself.
I sought out help in every corner and for every situation that has come up.
I’ve grieved over the life I never had, the love that I so longed for and the joyous moments that were taken away from me by someone else’s actions.
But my commitment to me was strong. No matter what someone else has done I knew I could get through it. N I did.
IT WAS NOT EASY.
I spent hours, days, months, years crying on the floor, hiding from the life that hurt so bad as I continued to believe in the one where everything was better.
Others had it better, I could too.
I could figure it out.
I went through heartbreaking breakups, deaths of loved ones. Failures, money issues, relationship issues, body issues,
I’ve had physical ailments I’ve had to work through – but all the while knowing they were just symptoms of my life style.
Life has not been easy. It’s been my own version of crazy, (which I’ve come to realize everyone has their own version of crazy.)
But here’s the reason I do what I do…. because it works.
It’s not instant. But it is.
Every session you uncover another beautiful part of yourself.
But it takes years of work… and honestly it’s never done.
But I do believe you can come to a place where it’s more beautiful and less shitty. Where you can understand there are going to be shitty parts in life. We can’t help that. But they become easier to handle because we have ways of dealing with them that are graceful and authentic rather than abusive and hurtful.
I’m proud of what I’ve worked through and I’m so glad I can type this today and say none of that runs my life anymore.
I still cry. I still learn. I still have crappy situations and old emotions. But today I can deal with them.
Today I do the work. The inner work. The spiritual work. The healing work of moving through situations rather than stuff them down or act out because of them.
I was lying in bed the other night doing my evening meditation and I thought to myself “I wish I had a kick ass way to help others heal”
And the response I got back was “you do, this work saves peoples lives”.
It saved mine. ?