but honestly my faith, trust and grace have been the only things that have kept me from going to a very dark place.
Knowing that whatever is happening on the outside… I am and will always be ok on the inside.
No matter how many tears I have to cry, or how many appointments I have to go to to best care for my self, or how many friends, family or others I have to reach out to for help in all aspects… it’s all going to be ok, eventually.
Maybe not today, but one day it will be…
… but let me get to the point of this post
It’s really not over until I can get back to the inner place of love, forgiveness and peace.
I can’t internally hold onto any of this anger or grief or any of the feelings that have been coming up as I go through this.
No matter who did what or said what or what physical distress was caused… none of that matters.
No matter what had to happen in the experience of it all (and some of them have been very hard) it’s not complete until I can move through it all and back to inner peace.
Some of these experiences can be moved through in the midst of them….
Some I have to wait until they are over and I can process the pain away from the experience.
And some I can come to terms with before even experiencing it, knowing the truth before it happens.
But until I get back to that place, and all this is over, I’m still going to be over here asking God to heal and lead me back to the truth.
In full honesty… the day I took this photo I was a huge mess. Something had just happened and I couldn’t sort through it yet so I decided to ‘get outside’ to help me process everything ….
N it was this day that even I knew things were not okay because even the cows and horses and the time spent with Jayce playing outside did nothing to ease the tears or the pain.
But I continued to acknowledge it all and move through it best I could.
I had to feel it to heal it.
And the horses held so much space through this process.
One step at a time I will be ok… most days I’m in the midst of the process, but one of these days (and soon) I will be back to my normal old self and be better than ever.
This is the hardest lesson the universe has ever sent to me to learn, but I’m here for it, and I’m trusting the process along the way.
It’d be hard to say it’s the last lesson (cause we are always learning and growing) but it IS the lesson that started it all. And even though I’ve moved through so many other things along the way (that seemed SO EASY compared to this) this is the experience that started it all and it’s coming back FULL CIRCLE for me to lean into and conquer once and for all.
Here’s to healing and stepping back into the light. Thank you all for the prayers and holding space as I walk through this.
