I have been carrying this deep seated fear since as long as I can remember…
This feeling of not being good enough, having to prove myself because the critics were always louder than the encouragers.
There was always someone who could do better, or had a better way of being than I could ever possibly be.
Criticism ran deep in our family unit.
It came naturally to pick apart others and ourselves for our short comings rather than build each other up.
I always resented that. Because deep down inside I always believed in myself, loved myself and wanted more than ever to trust myself.
But how could I when I had to change who I was to please the people around me?
Pleasing became my natural way of being, just so the consequences of my actions were not so drastic.
And I mentioned my family unit- but this continued into my school experience and further out into the community and extra-curricular.
There were expectations that I just couldn’t live up to without compromising who I was.
So I settled for a life of pleasing those around me instead of stepping into who I really was.
But the only one who got hurt was me.
I’ve been sitting with these feelings for awhile. Months, even deeper possibly the last few years if we really dug deep into the healing process.
This doesn’t happen over night- and sometimes takes many little shifts to unwind one situation.
But these shifts do happen instantaneously. Like these tiny little miracles of clarity. And this weekend I hit on a very very important one.
Instead of sinking into that place of the fear of what others think and moving into pleasing mode, essentially moving into a feeling of “please like me, I’m doing all I can to show you I care and am worthy”
I was just going to sit back, be myself, and just go to that place where I deeply care and truly feel worthy – as I really honestly truly do… and allow those who understand that to come to me.
No begging, no pleasing, no waiting, no wanting…. just here when and if they decide to come join me in whatever capacity they feel comfortable doing so.
No asking, not even inviting. Just staying open and allowing the relationships to unfold as they may.
When the student is ready, the teacher appears… when the wound has worked itself out the healing emerges.
And after my midnight meditation revelation… the universe solidified my teaching with this horse… a horse I could not convince (as much as I tried) of my good intentions of friendship- trust and connection.
He’d walk away every time. He’d ignore, he’d be standoffish, he was always distant. He’d be impossible to catch unless tricked or forced into a small enough space to submit.
It was never his idea to be close or even care that I was around. But the other day after my beautiful transformation, as I stood solely by the gate lost in my own little world, he left the herd and his food to come stand beside me.
For the first time he truly felt the pressure was off and I expected nothing of him but presence and this he accepted.
I was able for the first time show up truly as my self, and was rewarded as he showed up as well.
It’s moments like this that I know miracles do exist. And shift does happen. ?