This whole year, pregnancy and all, has been a journey and I think I’m ready to tell you about it.
It started with my food not tasting very well (whoops something was definitely up) then I started getting ‘sick’. I only puked once, but there was a lot of days spent sitting in my room near the bathroom with my crackers and sprite to keep my tummy calm n get the gagging to stop. (This was new, neither of the other two did I get tummy sick- god I couldn’t image ACTUALLY having true morning sickness
)Actually it was not good all around. If I actually got food down into my tummy, n most of it stayed down, I’d never know how it was going to respond after eating it. That was always a surprise, so I kept medicine on hand either way. (That is not a new experience… I never know how my tummy is going to react to the food I eat. There’s no rhyme or reason for it at all lol)
Along this journey… about this time … going along with life… I asked a few questions about dealing with a few difficult situations in my life that I hadn’t been able to shift for a few years now, they actually kept getting worse. The answer I got was to research into toxic relationships, narcissistic, abusive, mentally, emotionally, manipulative situations.
I’ve been on a healing path for 13+ years and I have a lot of tools in my healing tool box. In these situations I was already working through forgiveness and acceptance and loving and kindness and allllll the things. Only, offering them love and kindness and myself forgiveness and acceptance seemed to just trigger them EVEN more.
(that has never happened before I did not understand what was going on) When I began to step into my truth and power they seemed to loose their shit n take it out on me even more over and over again. So I ordered MANY books from the library and spent my spring, summer, fall learning about abusive relationships… n here’s the thing. Every single one of these books resonated with my circumstances.
Every single one of these books also reiterated that “it was not your fault” it was the wounds and the pain of the other person that they were not taking responsibility for that were creating these situations. And every one of these books said to set boundaries…and ultimately walk away.
(Honestly, the gist I got was that therapists don’t even want to deal with narcissists because they are just not willing to deal with their own problems- it’s all a blame game, a shame game, a manipulation game, one lie after another… to not actually take any responsibility on how they are behaving)
So, in the past year I have ended a couple different situations that have been going on, but not only did I have to cut off the abuser but I cut myself off from the whole situation. I lost family, friends, community, and stepped away from many things that were deeply important to me just to cut the ties to these hurtful situations and experiences.
These books also spoke about the mental, emotional and physical healing that has to happen after moving past these relationships. Even if you were not physically abused, the emotional/mental toll that someone lying to you, manipulating you, threatening you, yelling at you, belittling you, putting you down, gaslighting you… has all kinds of physical consequences too… that’s how I found out it was even happening… my body was screaming in pain for reasons that I had no awareness of, until my energetic healing sessions revealed the truth of these relationships, I wasn’t even aware this was actually a ‘thing’.
So along this lovely little journey I had the regular pregnancy Dr appointments that I find there are a lot of to begin with, with all the tests and check ups and everything. But I gladly did them…
And then on top of that I had extra chiropractor appointments, some recommended massages, my regular energetic healing appointments plus I added in a therapist to help me understand these abusive situations I’ve been dealing with.
AND then… this little one wouldn’t cooperate so I had 3 extra ultrasounds for the baby, a breast ultrasound and then a breast biopsy that all came back in good standing but the EXTRA just kept getting extra. And the nervous waits and extra Dr appointments for each of the results were also added in.
So the pregnancy was fine all along and honestly I kept forgetting I was pregnant for the most part. Until I was reminded with little reminders like running my tummy into things, clothes not fitting, food not sitting well, etc.
Then the third trimester hit. N still I was ‘fine’ but exhausted and dealing. My ankles swelled up, my hips/pelvis hurt so bad cause this little one is sitting WAY lower than the other two. (I should have gotten a belly band) I can barely walk some days. And walk I have to do, to the bathroom at least every hour lol
I still get the gagging/tummy issues, I get headaches and lightheaded from low blood pressure (although I kinda have that issue dealt with) I started getting insomnia, restless legs, I can’t breathe properly, my heart races like l’m having an anxiety attack randomly (and I’m not). And more than anything I just keep saying (because it’s true) I’m so exhausted lol.
BUT here’s the good part, baby is still happy and healthy in there, I’m successfully dealing with every single thing on this list, I just keep saying “this is just a lot to deal with all at once”. It is and has been a lot to process and heal and deal with. I just keep praying every night for healing and for things to shift. And I have soaked in ALL of the love I have asked for along the way. I very very very much needed and appreciated it!
I have tools in my tool box to deal with all of this and I am. (Or I’m learning new tools) But it is a process, and I just have to be with it some days.
When the therapist asks me each time how I’m doing (on a scale of 1-10) I’m always higher than a 5. I honestly can say I’M STILL OK! I have no idea what the future looks like but I’m here in this moment being with all of this right now.
Keep sending the good vibes when you think of me (I can feel them all) but also know that I really am and will be fine, even when I’m not. I might not be ok now in this moment, but I will be. I can still laugh and sing and do all the self care. But I also just break down crying in overwhelm and I just have to move through the hurt and pain too…. Because it’s been F’N painful and I’m not going to pretend it’s not been.
My heart is broken into a million pieces, my mind is trying to wrap its head around how someone could treat others this way at all in the first place, and how did I end up in these situations to begin with?
I’ve never experienced this before in any of my other relationships and I’ve worked hard to move through all my generational and childhood experiences and nothing like this has come up, those were easy compared to this! I honestly didn’t and can’t barely fathom that people could be this way and treat people this way.
And my body is just tired, exhausted from the pregnancy, the emotions, the stress, the projections that I’m still receiving and the day to day of just moving through it all. (Plus just all of the rest of life, the farm, the kids, the house, family, friends, etc etc, etc etc)
This baby promised to be the catalyst for change and they were not wrong. It looked nothing like the easy peasy forgiving healings I did before but here we are… there’s been nothing easy about this part of the journey lol. I’m still not sure how to navigate it all. But I’m here for the journey, the lessons, the challenges, and the opportunities and all the breakthroughs. I’m not giving up now, I can feel the shifts coming, slowly but surely.